Choice and Hope
I could have stayed on the couch, carried on the way I was. I could have lived the rest of my life stressed out, pissed off, crying on the floor, drinking every night, praying for a way out while refusing to walk toward the door... I could see my future. One day I would have to sit down with my daughter. I would probably sob as I tried to speak, apologizing to her over & over again for the kind of mom I’d been, for the ways I’d failed her & telling her how her daddy’s death broke me. That I just couldn’t find a way to pick up the pieces. But what kind of example would I be setting? If THAT conversation was my future? When my child’s soul is one day crushed by this world... Was I actually okay showing her that it’s okay to give up & call it quits because “life is too hard?” I KNEW I had to set a different example. I HAD to change. Not just for her... for me, for Nick, for the God who thought I was worthy enough to keep living. No matter what happened from that point on, I would do everything I could to find HOPE again & then... I would start spreading it. Now, almost five years since that decision, I’ve created a different future... one day, I’ll sit down with my girl. And she’ll ask me, through tears, what I did when my heart was breaking. First, I’ll tell her of my mistakes. I’ll tell her that my heart was broken into a thousand tiny pieces - that I never thought I would be able to grab them up again. And then I’ll tell her of the CHOICE that I made & the HOPE that I found. I’ll tell her of the ONE who wouldn’t let go of me. Who took every shard of my heart & is still working His magic to create a beautifully broken masterpiece in the middle of my mess. I still had hard days. I still HAVE hard days. But I don’t let the hard days take root in my heart. In part, because I would never EVER want MY BABIES to do that to themselves. We ALL have hard things. Are you going to let them define you? Or are you going to let them be the FUEL that makes you better? Remember, my friend, you only live the life you put up with. #MadeforBrave
