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Absolute Gratitude

Last week, we had a scare when Austyn’s breathing issues kicked in again for a night. 😷

I used to experience this with her 3-5 nights a week for over a year, starting when she was 9 months old. Right after my first husband, Nick, passed away. (Right when I needed him most. 😢)

But, ever since I changed her diet, (taking away inflammatory foods & adding in a blend of superfoods every single morning) Austyn’s been relatively breathing-problem FREE.

Except... it seems, for when she catches some sort of cold. So, there we were, Jay & I in the middle of the night deciding if *this* attack warranted a trip to the ER on a night where just hours before, I had been having solid contractions and we had been wondering if *I* should be headed to Triage.

Oh, what a night!! 🙄

But, when our home remedies began to work quickly & her episode started to subside, she fell back asleep... It seemed the crisis was averted.

Though it was uncomfortable as heck to kneel by her bedside with my big belly... I sat anyway. I prayed endless strings of gratitude for my beautiful five year old. I caressed her soft cheeks & stared at her eyelashes & their perfect arch. Her nose, her lips, her new freckles & whispy blonde hairs. 👌🏼I marveled at the girl she is & the young lady I can already see that she will become.

For now, in this moment, she was safe & I wanted to soak up every bit of her.

Because: I’ve learned my lesson... just because someone is safe now, doesn’t mean they are safe forever. 🙏🏼

And, that lesson gives me pause.... Still. And I hope it always will.

I felt Emery kick in my tummy just as I leaned in to kiss Austyn’s warm forehead. The little babe assuring me that she was okay, too or maybe checking on her soon-to-be big sister. 👶🏼

As I climbed back into bed, I watched Jay’s chest rise & fall while we talked about the night’s events, about the scares, & about the follow up appointments we would make.

We turned the sound up ALL THE WAY on the video monitor we still use for her because of these attacks & then decided we might as well go get her & just have her sleep with us so we could keep a close eye.

As he got up to grab her from her bed & I made a spot for her in the middle of ours, I held back sobs of gratitude.

For though I miss the babes I’ve lost & even miss the one that’s not fully here yet... & though I miss my Nick & the first love of my life... I’m INCREDIBLY blessed in THIS very moment & every single one that’s lead to here.

Sure... I could sit around and grumble about how COZY this little babe seems to be in my tummy right now, about how difficult it is to parent an almost-5-year-old who is about to become a sibling for the first time, about how Jay & I don’t always see eye to eye & how second marriages are HARD... OR I can choose to see the GOOD.

And you guys, BEFORE, naturally... I would have totally seen the negative. 😢 And ONLY the negative.

But now... The SOUL WORK I’ve done these last 3 years has turned me inside out. NOW, I have to TRY really HARD to come up with negatives. Because ALL I see is the GOOD.

Because WHAT THE HECK do I have to complain about when my family is living? When I have a roof over my head? When I have the tools I need & the determination & resourcefulness to get the ones I don’t?

THE ANSWER... Nothing at all! 💁🏼‍♀️

>> How have I been feeling lately? is a question I’ve been asked a TON these last few weeks... By so many people. By my doctors. By my family. By my sweet husband.

And, my answer?


We might be technically “past” the last due date I was given. But, this momma ain’t forcing this baby out unless it’s medically necessary.

Because, from here, I can look back & see ALL THE WAYS God was working through my life on HIS TIMING & now that I have this hindsight... I trust HIM a lot more than I trust myself.

&& I want to soak up these moments & THESE PEOPLE that are currently in my life while I have them.

Letting go of control can be so hard. But you guys, in my experience, it’s always been worth it. 🙏🏼

I know you’ve heard it before, but I’ll remind you again.

ENJOY THE MOMENT. You will NEVER EVER get this one back. ✨

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