Absolute Gratitude
Last week, we had a scare when Austyn’s breathing issues kicked in again for a night. 😷
I used to experience this with her 3-5 nights a week for over a year, starting when she was 9 months old. Right after my first husband, Nick, passed away. (Right when I needed him most. 😢)
But, ever since I changed her diet, (taking away inflammatory foods & adding in a blend of superfoods every single morning) Austyn’s been relatively breathing-problem FREE.
Except... it seems, for when she catches some sort of cold. So, there we were, Jay & I in the middle of the night deciding if *this* attack warranted a trip to the ER on a night where just hours before, I had been having solid contractions and we had been wondering if *I* should be headed to Triage.
Oh, what a night!! 🙄
But, when our home remedies began to work quickly & her episode started to subside, she fell back asleep... It seemed the crisis was averted.
Though it was uncomfortable as heck to kneel by her bedside with my big belly... I sat anyway. I prayed endless strings of gratitude for my beautiful five year old. I caressed her soft cheeks & stared at her eyelashes & their perfect arch. Her nose, her lips, her new freckles & whispy blonde hairs. 👌🏼I marveled at the girl she is & the young lady I can already see that she will become.
For now, in this moment, she was safe & I wanted to soak up every bit of her.
Because: I’ve learned my lesson... just because someone is safe now, doesn’t mean they are safe forever. 🙏🏼
And, that lesson gives me pause.... Still. And I hope it always will.
I felt Emery kick in my tummy just as I leaned in to kiss Austyn’s warm forehead. The little babe assuring me that she was okay, too or maybe checking on her soon-to-be big sister. 👶🏼
As I climbed back into bed, I watched Jay’s chest rise & fall while we talked about the night’s events, about the scares, & about the follow up appointments we would make.
We turned the sound up ALL THE WAY on the video monitor we still use for her because of these attacks & then decided we might as well go get her & just have her sleep with us so we could keep a close eye.
As he got up to grab her from her bed & I made a spot for her in the middle of ours, I held back sobs of gratitude.
For though I miss the babes I’ve lost & even miss the one that’s not fully here yet... & though I miss my Nick & the first love of my life... I’m INCREDIBLY blessed in THIS very moment & every single one that’s lead to here.
Sure... I could sit around and grumble about how COZY this little babe seems to be in my tummy right now, about how difficult it is to parent an almost-5-year-old who is about to become a sibling for the first time, about how Jay & I don’t always see eye to eye & how second marriages are HARD... OR I can choose to see the GOOD.
And you guys, BEFORE, naturally... I would have totally seen the negative. 😢 And ONLY the negative.
But now... The SOUL WORK I’ve done these last 3 years has turned me inside out. NOW, I have to TRY really HARD to come up with negatives. Because ALL I see is the GOOD.
Because WHAT THE HECK do I have to complain about when my family is living? When I have a roof over my head? When I have the tools I need & the determination & resourcefulness to get the ones I don’t?
THE ANSWER... Nothing at all! 💁🏼♀️
>> How have I been feeling lately? is a question I’ve been asked a TON these last few weeks... By so many people. By my doctors. By my family. By my sweet husband.
And, my answer?
OVERWHELMINGLY GRATEFUL. 💕
We might be technically “past” the last due date I was given. But, this momma ain’t forcing this baby out unless it’s medically necessary.
Because, from here, I can look back & see ALL THE WAYS God was working through my life on HIS TIMING & now that I have this hindsight... I trust HIM a lot more than I trust myself.
&& I want to soak up these moments & THESE PEOPLE that are currently in my life while I have them.
Letting go of control can be so hard. But you guys, in my experience, it’s always been worth it. 🙏🏼
I know you’ve heard it before, but I’ll remind you again.
ENJOY THE MOMENT. You will NEVER EVER get this one back. ✨
