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See You Again Soon

Today marks FIVE YEARS since Nick took his last breath here on this earth. And, five years since he took his first full breath in Heaven.

I try so hard to focus on the Heaven part. Most days just emphasizing my late husband’s unfathomable current state of JOY knocks out quite a bit of my hurt. Other days, no matter what I think... my heart feels impossibly heavy, nothing can quell the way my stomach hurts & my knees feel awfully weak.

But.... I. Refuse. To. Give. Up. Even on days like today.

So, I woke up. I got out of bed. I read my Bible. I cried in the arms of my sweet second husband despite the searing siren in my head that still screams at me that it’s MUCH TOO DANGEROUS to love. I made breakfast & forced myself to eat it. I put together Austyn’s lunch. I played with the girls on the floor. & then, once Austyn was off at school & Em was down for a nap... I PUSHED PLAY on my workout.

It was SO DANG HARD today. I felt like I was moving through sand. Every move felt so heavy. But, it gave me release. It allowed my thoughts to come together. It helped me fully FEEL. It provided SPACE & even though I modified almost every move & had to pause multiple times... I. Did. My. Best.

And, THAT is what matters. I REFUSE to stop doing my best. I can’t. I WONT. I have a hope driving me forward... A hope I know will one day carry me all the way home.

It’s a miracle Nick & I had as long as we did together... Six beautiful years getting to know each other, learning lessons together, & figuring out how to love each other better. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the Lord for the good & bad & everything in between. Because I KNOW it’s all working together for our GOOD.

Nick, I know you see just how much you’re sorely missed but I know you also see with VIVID detail all the incredible ways God has used our tragedy, your pain, our grief, for eternal GOOD. I don’t think a day will ever go by where we don’t think of you & the impact God allowed you to make on our lives.

You know this life matters more to me now than it ever did before. I’ve had five MORE years than you had on this planet & I’m determined to make each and every extra breath count for something bigger than me. I’m working hard on my book to adequately convey the INCREDIBLE story of what Gods done to create triumph over tragedy, we are helping people get healthy so they can live purposefully every day, we are raising your sweet girl & her amazing little sister (can’t wait for you to meet her) up to know our incredible Creator, & all the while, we are remembering that we are Made for Brave & that God’s Got (all of) This, too.

Cheers an extra beer for us, say hi to our loved ones & we will see you soon. 💕

Love you forever & a day... #neverforgotten

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