See You Again Soon

Today marks FIVE YEARS since Nick took his last breath here on this earth. And, five years since he took his first full breath in Heaven.

I try so hard to focus on the Heaven part. Most days just emphasizing my late husband’s unfathomable current state of JOY knocks out quite a bit of my hurt. Other days, no matter what I think... my heart feels impossibly heavy, nothing can quell the way my stomach hurts & my knees feel awfully weak.

But.... I. Refuse. To. Give. Up. Even on days like today.

So, I woke up. I got out of bed. I read my Bible. I cried in the arms of my sweet second husband despite the searing siren in my head that still screams at me that it’s MUCH TOO DANGEROUS to love. I made breakfast & forced myself to eat it. I put together Austyn’s lunch. I played with the girls on the floor. & then, once Austyn was off at school & Em was down for a nap... I PUSHED PLAY on my workout.

It was SO DANG HARD today. I felt like I was moving through sand. Every move felt so heavy. But, it gave me release. It allowed my thoughts to come together. It helped me fully FEEL. It provided SPACE & even though I modified almost every move & had to pause multiple times... I. Did. My. Best.

And, THAT is what matters. I REFUSE to stop doing my best. I can’t. I WONT. I have a hope driving me forward... A hope I know will one day carry me all the way home.

It’s a miracle Nick & I had as long as we did together... Six beautiful years getting to know each other, learning lessons together, & figuring out how to love each other better. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the Lord for the good & bad & everything in between. Because I KNOW it’s all working together for our GOOD.

Nick, I know you see just how much you’re sorely missed but I know you also see with VIVID detail all the incredible ways God has used our tragedy, your pain, our grief, for eternal GOOD. I don’t think a day will ever go by where we don’t think of you & the impact God allowed you to make on our lives.